As everyone knows, I am a staunch Catholic (except for the time that I had two children with my young secretary while my wife was dying of cancer – ah, happy days). So it was a particular delight to open my post this morning to find, amongst the red bills from the IMF, a papal bull.

Dear Robert,

I cannot help but notice that I’m not getting any girls. Is it something to do with the way I dress?

Sincerely yours,

Benedict X etc etc

Well, Benedict, you need to make yourself more accessible. Why, only last week some chap was vaulting barriers just to touch you and you didn’t even notice. I use this as a hypothetical example, of course. He was probably gay, and the very suspicion of such evil warranted the massive amount of violence that your bodyguards duly meted out.

Also, have you thought about growing a narrow moustache? Your advisors may say that this plays into the hands of people who wish to make jokes about you and Hitler, but you can ignore them. It never did me any harm.

And yes, that hat is a bit camp. I find that simply wearing a baseball cap during an election campaign is all I need to do to guarantee not only a thumping victory over my rivals, but also more action than a broomstick in a convent.


1 Comment

Filed under ask Robert

One response to “Pontification

  1. Dear President Mugabe, how about advising his Popeyness to undertake land reform? There is a lot of land in Europe now occupied by those of other faiths or Christian denominations that was traditionally held by Catholics before everyone else showed up. If he follows your example he could put the papal bull in Bulawayo.
    Dear Mr Weasel,
    Your idea sounds eminently sane. This Protestant/Muslim/Jewish/Buddhist/Hindu colonialism has got to stop. I have left several messages with the Pontiff and I expect to be greeted by the whiff of a bull when I open my postbag tomorrow.
    Yours etc
    President Mugabe

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