Category Archives: ask Robert

Pontification

As everyone knows, I am a staunch Catholic (except for the time that I had two children with my young secretary while my wife was dying of cancer – ah, happy days). So it was a particular delight to open my post this morning to find, amongst the red bills from the IMF, a papal bull.

Dear Robert,

I cannot help but notice that I’m not getting any girls. Is it something to do with the way I dress?

Sincerely yours,

Benedict X etc etc

Well, Benedict, you need to make yourself more accessible. Why, only last week some chap was vaulting barriers just to touch you and you didn’t even notice. I use this as a hypothetical example, of course. He was probably gay, and the very suspicion of such evil warranted the massive amount of violence that your bodyguards duly meted out.

Also, have you thought about growing a narrow moustache? Your advisors may say that this plays into the hands of people who wish to make jokes about you and Hitler, but you can ignore them. It never did me any harm.

And yes, that hat is a bit camp. I find that simply wearing a baseball cap during an election campaign is all I need to do to guarantee not only a thumping victory over my rivals, but also more action than a broomstick in a convent.

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Lustrous Finnish

Matti Vanhanen, the Finnish prime minister, writes:

Dear Bob – may I call you Bob? (No. Mr President or Your Excellency would be more appropriate – RM)

There is nothing I like more, after making love, than the taste of an oven-baked potato. Does this make me abnormal?

Yours sincerely,

Matti

Well Matti, it sounds to me that you have a type of paraphilia, or sexual fetish, meaning that you attain sexual arousal through contact with a non-sexual object. This is an abomination, and you will burn in Hellfire.

I hope this helps.

Robert Mugabe

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