Robert’s tips on dumping

Women think that men find saying “I love you” difficult. We do not. It is easy to say if it is true. Quite apart from the joy of saying it, there are rewards, both instantly and in the medium term. Like currency adjustment or land reform, it only becomes a burden in the long run.

Saying “I don’t love you” is the difficult one. How do you do it, I am often asked. Love is like an International Monetary Fund loan, I say. The IMF hates rejection and will moan to the world about what a heel you are, but you’ll be glad to be shot of it in the long term. It (or she) will no longer solicit avowals from you, and you will be freed from the guilt of making empty promises in the future.

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What is all this Diana fuss about?

People often comment that I have much in common with the Prince of Wales. We are both into agricultural reform, for one.

But few people know that we also shared a lover. Oh, yes. Muggins Mugabe here was seduced by Diana, Princess of Wales back in 1993 when she came to visit my country. Modesty forbids me from divulging the details of our affair, but let me say this: she was rubbish. If that’s good oral, then I’m not a Knight Commander of the Order of the Bath.

What Will Carling, James Hewitt or the Wigan rugby league team saw in her I’ll never know.

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Lustrous Finnish

Matti Vanhanen, the Finnish prime minister, writes:

Dear Bob – may I call you Bob? (No. Mr President or Your Excellency would be more appropriate – RM)

There is nothing I like more, after making love, than the taste of an oven-baked potato. Does this make me abnormal?

Yours sincerely,


Well Matti, it sounds to me that you have a type of paraphilia, or sexual fetish, meaning that you attain sexual arousal through contact with a non-sexual object. This is an abomination, and you will burn in Hellfire.

I hope this helps.

Robert Mugabe


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Hubba hubba

I lose count of the number of times people have said to me: “Robert, you are a successful democratically elected president, but you also appear to have an active love life. How do you do it?”

It’s all about understanding women, I say. And land reform. But mainly women.

“Could you be more specific?” they always ask.

Well, I say, the land was stolen from us by these white Rhodesians and now we must take back what belongs to us.

“We really meant the understanding women part,” they say.

I usually send for the secret police at this point, but their question is valid. Who am I to deprive my people of my knowledge of love and love-making? After all, I am not gay, unlike the gay government of the gay United gay Kingdom.

I shall be publishing with non-gay abandon soon, but if you would like any requests, don’t hesitate to ask.


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