I have recently been enjoying a British freeview channel named Dave. For a start, the name is so witty. In no way was its dreamt up by cocksure marketing men who go to work dressed in pin-stripe jackets with jeans and trainers. Oh, no. I like it so much that I wish to have one in my country. It will be called Robert.
But I was outraged to see, on a re-run of Have I Got News for You, footage of a gay colonial imperialist called Paul Merton laughing at my name. (My predecessor, Canaan Banana, also had this problem, but then he was later jailed for sodomy, so he had it coming.) He said that Mugabe spelt backwards is E-ba-gum. This is funny? Funny how?
Well, Mr Merton, two can play at that game. On Robert, I shall have shows laughing at you. Yes. Your name is an anagram of “lemur panto”. Ha! We shall broadcast hours of lemur pantomime to shame you.
We shall also have:
Manure Plot, a spy thriller involving an international conspiracy to seize control of production of the world’s animal waste;
Mule Patron, a sitcom about an animal rights activist’s mishaps as she attempts to run a sanctuary for load-bearing animals;
Loam Punter, a documentary blowing the lid on underground soil gambling;
Rum Polenta, in which celebrity chefs create a variety mouth-watering dishes employing boiled cornmeal and Caribbean spirits;
Tampon Rule, an educational chat show for ladies;
Menu Patrol, a variation on America’s Dumbest Criminals in which my secret police bust celebrity chefs who fail to use of polenta and rum in their dishes; and
Amulet Porn, a late-night show for talisman fetishists (although this may merit its own channel).